A New Chapter

For the past several years I have been posting stories about my adventures as a Single Dad. But now I am entering a new chapter of my life. This year I became a Grandpa! My kids are all married or off to college, so I am pretty much an empty nester. But that’s okay, because now I have the chance to travel the world and experience new adventures. Not to mention the joy of being a Grandpa. So here’s to a new chapter and new adventures!

New Positive Discipline Parenting Tools Book

I started this blog as a form of therapy when I became a full-time single dad. Along the way I decided I needed help with my parenting skills, so I embarked on a journey of testing out a new parenting tool each week for a year. That 52 Tools in 52 Weeks Challenge eventually turned into enough content for a book. I am happy to report that with the help of my Mom (Dr. Jane Nelsen) and my Sister (Mary Nelsen Tamborski), that book is now a reality.

About the Book

Do you wish there was a way to raise well-behaved children without punishment? Are you afraid the only alternative is being overly indulgent? With Positive Discipline, an encouragement model based on both kindness and firmness, you don’t have to choose between these two extremes. Using these 49 Positive Discipline tools, honed and perfected after years of real-world research and feedback, you’ll be able to work with your children instead of against them. The goal isn’t perfection but providing you with the techniques you need to help your children develop the life and social skills you hope for them, such as respect for self and others, problem-solving ability, and self-regulation. The tenets of Positive Discipline consistently foster mutual respect so that any child—from a three-year-old toddler to a rebellious teenager—can learn creative cooperation and self-discipline without losing his or her dignity.

In this new parenting guidebook, you’ll find day-to-day exercises for parents to improve their parenting skills, along with success stories from parents worldwide who have benefited from the Positive Discipline philosophy. 

With training tools and personal examples from the authors, you will learn:

• The “hidden belief” behind a child’s misbehavior, and how to respond accordingly

• The best way to focus on solutions instead of dwelling on the negative

• How to encourage your child without pampering or praising

• How to teach your child to make mistakes and follow through on agreements

• How to foster creative thinking

Find a New Year's Resolution Partner

My dog Gracie and I go on a morning walk EVERY day! We are like the postal service. Neither rain, sleet or snow keeps us from our morning walk. In fact, I'm certain that we have missed fewer days then the postal service the past 3 years.

My commitment to my morning walk with Gracie has little to do with my dedication and discipline. It is mostly because I have a very persuasive walking partner. Dogs love routines and they have surprisingly accurate internal clocks. Every morning Gracie is waiting (not so patiently) for me to finish breakfast. Then she waits outside my bedroom door while I get ready. Then she leads me to the hall closet to get her leash. On those rare occasions when a morning walk is not possible, the disappointed and confused look on her face is heartbreaking. That is why I don't like to miss too many days.

If going on a morning walk was my new year's resolution, I would have the perfect resolution partner. So regardless of your new year's resolution, find a persuasive resolution partner and you will be guaranteed success!

The Single Dad Summer

Have you every wondered what Summer looks like for a single dad? It's Sunday evening and I am mapping out my week. Here's a glimpse at Monday.

• Wake up at 4:30 a.m.
• Eat breakfast and drink coffee. (Drinking coffee is a VERY important step.)
• Take the dog for a walk. 
• Shower and get ready for the day. (Sometimes I skip this step.)
• Drive my son to his driver's education which starts at 6:00 a.m.
• Take my daughter to cross country practice which begins at 7:30 a.m.
• Pick my son up from driver's education at 8:00 a.m.
• Pick my daughter up from cross country practice at 9:00 a.m.
• Work
• Take my son to Summer school at 12:15 p.m.
• Pick my son up from Summer school.
• Work
• Take my daughter to violin lessons.
• Answer the question "What's for dinner?" by saying "I don't know."
• Pick my daughter up from violin lessons.
• Decide what to get for dinner.
• Go get dinner. (I don't make dinner very often.)
• Eat dinner and feel guilty for feeding my kids fast food.
• Laundry
• Dishes
• Work
• Sleep! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hugs - A Single Dad's Perspective

Last week Dr. Jane Nelsen posted the parenting tool of Hugs. I wholeheartedly endorse the concept of hugs and I've had some success in the past with this parenting tool. But hugging is not something that comes easy for me. As a single dad with a son, I can relate to the Verizon commercial below.

http://www.adforum.com/creative-work/ad/player/34475750

My son and I don't go around hugging each other very often, but we manage to show each other that we care in other ways. The key concept is the connection you create with your children. So whether that is a hug or a high five, your children will feel the connection and know that you love them.

Sibling Rivalry from the Perspective of a Younger Child

"Putting Kids in the Same Boat" is the most difficult Positive Discipline principle for me to grasp. Mainly because I had and evil older brother who constantly persecuted me while we were growing up. As a result, I have the perspective of the younger sibling with a victim mentality. I'm sure my older brother had issues he was dealing with such as; being dethroned by a younger brother, feeling less belonging and significance, etc. I don't know if picking on me and establishing his dominance over me ever made him feel better, I just know that if his goal was for me to live in fear...it worked.

So now that I am a parent, I have very little sympathy for the older sibling who bullies the younger sibling. Intellectually I understand the concept of "A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child". I just don't seem to be able to put that theory into practical application.

Below are the suggestions from the Positive Discipline Tool Card "Put Kids in the Same Boat".

Instead of taking sides when children fight, treat them the same.

1) Give the same choice: “Kids would you like to go to the peace table or the wheel of choice?”
2) Show Faith: “Let me know when you have identified the problem and have ideas for solutions.
3) Leave. Fighting will diminish significantly when you stop taking sides-so long as you are having regular family meetings to teach problem-solving skills.

I have never been comfortable staying out of my kid's fights. My mantra has always been "we don't hit in this house". I also don't like abusive language and I won't stand for that either. My son is certain that these rules have been put into place so his younger sister can get away with anything. I know he feels that I favor his younger sister, which is probably true because I can relate with the younger sibling and she is a girl. I am trying to teach my son to treat women with respect.

I can't tell you what would happen if you stay out of your children's fights, because I have never done that. But I have used the method of "treat them both the same". That has worked best for me. If the kids are fighting I will tell them to go to their separate rooms until they can get along. Or if they are fighting over the television, I will turn off the television until they can get along. Regardless of the reason for their fight, I do my best to treat them the same.

The only time I stray from that formula is when I am right there in the same room with them and I witness the entire event. For example, when my son walks by my daughter while she is quietly drawing a picture and just smacks her in the head completely unprovoked. I don't have any patience for that kind of behavior.

I would love to hear how other parents are dealing with sibling rivalry and fighting.

Agreements and Follow Through

Making agreements with children is easy. Following through with those agreements is HARD!!!


Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that children do not share the same priorities as parents. As a parent, my priority is managing the household. This includes such things as laundry, dishes, trash, recycle, vacuuming, grocery shopping and preparing meals. Good heavens!!! No wonder children don't have the same priorities as adults. I don't even want those things to be my priorities! But the fact is...life involves managing the priorities of a household.

During family meetings I will make agreements with my children regarding chores. But my children usually don't follow through. So follow through becomes another one of MY priorities. The problem is, following through with children is more difficult than just doing everything myself. For example, if I am upstairs preparing dinner and the trash can is overflowing because my son forgot to empty it. I can spend 30 seconds emptying the trash can myself or 10 minutes tracking down my son and getting him to follow through with our agreement. I'm sure most parents can relate to this dilemma.

So does that mean we should give up and stop following through with our children? Absolutely not. But when do we get to reap the benefits from our efforts of following through? Based on my experience and observation, the benefits of following through with our children usually takes effect when our children move out of the house.  That's not very comforting right now, but Positive Discipline is based on long-range results.

Occasionally we will catch a glimpse of success when our children surprise us by following through without any reminders. That happens in my home about once a week and those little successes make it all worthwhile and remind me that my children might just make it in this world on their own someday.